Balance is pretty key. The more my life is out of balance, the more I sit within in my lower self, that part of me that is fear based and loses faith, in myself, and in turn in others.

If I maintain balance, I am aligned with my higher self, the part that is basically the soul, the part that is connected to God/the Source/the Divine Spark/the Universe.

It’s very hard work. But worth the effort and energy put towards it. At least it is in my opinion. Why? Well, drama just isn’t that fun unless it’s a movie or on TV and chaos isn’t my cup of tea either.

So each day is like a new match between my lower and higher self. In the past, it was like my first six-eight months as a white belt, the lower self beat out my higher self all the time. Now it’s reaching a place, kind of like where I’m at as a blue belt, while I still get caught, there is more consistency and learning the game of how to keep the balance.

A friend recently told me my Jiu-Jitsu game is like the tortoise, slowly and steadying improving. I definitely feel like the tortoise in this lower and higher self grappling match. Despite feeling behind at times, I just have to remember that the tortoise does win the race.

a cool breeze accompanies the morning clouds that drape the mountains from the new sun

it is the start of a fresh day and it feels wonderful!

I know I am supposed to write.  I have literally seen the writing on the wall.  Throughout my life, family, friends, random strangers, psychics, and so on have told me to be a writer.  I put it off for a long time and then finally picked up the literary sword a few years ago.  While I have plied my craft here and there, really just training in that time period, I have come to see how I have a way with words, how I play with words, how there is something crying out to be shared with the world in these words.

And yet, I avoid writing.  It’s like a plague.  I don’t know why or how I became afraid of a wonderful way to live out a passion but I have become afraid.  I am here today to examine why that may be?

Lack of interest… On my part, that of most people I have loved.  I used to take great offense that people who I care about didn’t care about my writing.  I realize now that I was seeking validation from others when really I am the only one who can truly validate my work.  So we’ll scratch lack of interest then…

What to write about…  Now sometimes, I have so many ideas, I haven’t an idea where to start.  This is certainly a big theme.  Yet, I’ve recently begun to keep a log of ideas and have started many of the newer ones.  Can’t be this option…

Belief…  I’m going to gander that this is the culprit.  In the past, it was lack of belief.  Belief in myself, belief in what I was about, where I was going, etc.  I certainly didn’t believe in the past that I could make it as a writer.  I wanted that magical happening to come in and then I would write or go and do something. I guess you could say I wanted the money to come before the work.

I can’t say whether I fully believe that I am to be a writer.  I see myself writing, being successful at that while pursuing other dreams.  I think writing shall be something that I do.  Why?  Haven’t figured all that out yet but maybe 20 years from now, I’ll have most of the material down and can write a memoir.  Until then, guess you’ll just have to stop by for a reading on the old site or find me in a newspaper, magazine, and/or bookstore.

Oh yeah, since I have an idea of the root of this fear, I’d have to say that it is no longer a challenge and I am not afraid.  The wind just gusted.  Could it be that the world just shuttered at the thought of a JMAW unafraid of writing and writing to just write.  Nah, not fear, love maybe, a bit of finally maybe, but the Universe is surely not afraid of lil ole me.

Blur, it’s mad in the membrane
There must be choke stuff going on in the atmosphere

I said Blurrrrrr, it’s crazy in the brain
There must be alot of to process in the atmosphere

A calm approaches
I cannot wait
It’s been so long
Since I’ve been touched by fate’s
Relaxing embrace
The hustle and bustle
Of a stress filled life
Nearly ends as I watch
And Wait

There are circumstances and events in life that spiritual types would lump into the “Is” and/or “the All” categories.  While I agree with that assessment on a deep level, for the average conscious experience, which fills the majority of our lives, these happenings are pretty weird.

As my 20′s draw to a close, I can now see how many strange experiences I have had that influenced my life.  There are things that have happened that are certainly not conversation starters (i.e. seeing the energy of a tree move, channeling, etc.).  There have also been some occurrences that are just truly unexplainable but seem to make sense in an odd sort of way as I watch the events of my life unfold.

The one thing that I’d really like to say about the weirdness of the life journey is this: everything works out.  I don’t know how or why but everything truly works itself out.  I spent a large amount of my 20′s stressed, worried, or angry about things beyond my control.  I have heard  people say “don’t worry” or “be happy” or (fill in the blank) in regards to stress.  I would try hard to apply that to my life but I still had this need to know or control the situations I encountered. Life can be a challenge and I remind myself to let go each day.

The only thing that has helped to alleviate this stress and frustration is that I try to remember to feel what I’m experiencing and trust that in some weird way it works out.  Feeling has been important because it helps to get my out of my mind and acknowledge my experience.  Trust is more than just blind faith.  It is an inner knowing that I am playing a part in something grander and I just have to keep taking one step at a time and live from moment to moment.

The only proof I can offer is this.  Think about a time in the past when the world felt like it was ending (lost love, bills, school, work, whatever).  Probably sucked and not in any way that was fun.  Now, think about how it passed (falling in love again, paying the bills, finding a new job, etc.).  Totally weird!  What about the times where that random hero popped up at just the right time to say just what you needed to hear.  Look at all of that and see how things just worked out.  Pretty crazy, huh?

Life can surely be unnerving but if you trust the weirdness and that it all works out, then it can truly be exhilarating.

I recall lying in my bed as a child and looking at a baseball. I remember clearly stating that “life is like baseball, sometimes you hit one out, sometimes you strike out” to my cousin. He just laughed and has not let me live that one down.

Well today, probably two decades later minus some change, I am going to compare life to a spinning record. Life can be like a single with just your favorite song and instrumental on it. Or it can be like an entire album packed with songs you love and some that are just filler. Life can also suck, like much of the music of 90′s according to 80′s music fans (not me, I was down with rap in the 90′s = ).

Most albums are in-between. A little bit of this, a little bit of that to make money and possibly do a little more next time around (only thing in life there is no guarantee there is a next time around).

Sometimes though, you find that rare record. You know the one that is filled with an amazing play list and the b-side/bonus tracks are equally if not more stellar. It doesn’t take rocket science to feel the hit-ness of this type of record. It just is.

And that folks is why life is like a spinning record. So which record is your life playing these days?