The Simple Voice

I’ve searched for a poem
To sum up how I feel
Perhaps it is so that none exists
For this event has never happened

I’ve been through heartache
I’ve lost loves
But none quite like this
So surreal, so true

The mistakes I’ve made
Are now the past
Move on, move forward
Is all that lasts

I loved intensely
I was truly human
I made many mistakes
But I always gave as much as I could

I’ll always be here for you
I’ll always love you
You cannot know
Not yet see
Probably don’t believe
Surely disagree
But it is true

I want the best for you
Won’t fight if you want to be free

The hole in my heart is filling
With more love, with best wishes
Because if I cannot make you happy
I will still send you a loving energy

Devastated, adrift, floating
I am gone
We are no more?
I never saw

Sad, so sad, 17 small eyes
I see but
Still glad, so glad
To have known the range of our journey

My hand still extends
If you will have it
And I will walk with you
In whatever capacity

I love You!
Thank You!
I hope the depth of which
You will one day feel.

You are the love of my life
Don’t know what else to say
No poem can do this justice

(sigh)

((NNHH))

the ocean is closing in
I hear the waves
have heard them before
they now are relentless
I feel the pressure in my head
it’s all caving in
deep somewhere, I can feel the beat of my heart
I sense a sharp, a dull, then sharp and dull pain
the death that slowly crawls
from within
is making itself heard, is becoming
the Ocean, filling up with black
with dark
it’s all abyss

what am i doing with my life?
as Saturn has passed
and the next return is far from now
i find that i ask the same questions as before
so where does that leave me?
a bit further along down the river?
with more knowledge?
both?
neither?
i suppose only time shall tell
if a dream manifests…

In case you lived on the dark side of the moon or was unable to watch Star Wars, the Dark Side is a a big component of the Force (the mysterious life energy) and it is the side that feeds off of fear, anger, and hate.

With that, I find a deep inner struggle between going with my higher self, side more oriented with my spiritual essence, and my lower self, the egoic 3D nature. I feel like the higher self is what the Jedi seemed to be about (values of taking care, spirituality, protecting nature, etc.) and the lower self is what leads to the Dark Side (at least in every “spiritual” book I’ve read, the ego is linked to the 3D world and uses fear, anger, etc. to exert control when it feels it’s hold slipping).

It’s really a challenging battle which I have found drains me immensely. I know in theory and believe that going with the higher self down a more spiritual path is necessary. I feel like I’m at the crossing over point. It just seems like lately my ego is making it’s last attempt to keep the control that it has had for my entire life and which it’s fought for the last 3.5 years not to lose.

Just seems pretty hard and the familiarity (aka safety) of my old egoic self clouded by a world filled with other egos consciously and unconsciously in the same battle, makes it harder each day to let the light of my higher self shine bright. I am not writing to this make excuses, merely to put it out there in the event that someone else reads it and can relate. I feel like the reason we succumb to the trappings of the ego is because we feel we are alone, or rather we see the end-result of those who overcame, yet we don’t always get to see, hear, or feel the struggle that it took to get there.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that the struggle is a part of the journey. It makes the choices to live in the light, though we may not always choose to do so, that much brighter. So perhaps, it’s a necessary evil. No pun intended.

the chords run deep throughout my being
it feels as though they’ve latched on to much more
than just an energy body
the physical manifestation is telling
lack of sleep, the lack of laughter
the chords run deep
they’ve become my veins
my blood now filled with the haunted past
one i’ve sought to let go
yet seems to creep in
perhaps, the chords are the reason
my energy has not cleansed
a breath in, a breath out
each day, striving to release
these chords
that run deep

On those nights
We wiped away our tears and drifted to sleep
In each others arms…
You remember those nights?
Our love was so new, so incredible

On these nights
I wiped away so many of my own tears
My eyes have long dried
I remember that time
Our love’s flame long past

On those nights
It was as if
We were the only two alive
You remember those nights?
Our love was so true, real in every way

On these nights
I feel like this when I’m alone, not lonely, just alone
I remember our time

On those nights
That are
Now these nights
I recall, a simple love, lost in a sense
Eternal no less
I will remember for all time

For though love evolves
It does not die

It’s just on these nights
When I feel lonely, not alone, just lonely
It’s a hard pill to swallow.

Darkness resides deep inside somewhere
In there, or here…
I fear it eludes me within such depths
That only a dream here, or there…
Brings to light that region of my subconscious.
Fear not the darkness that lies within for one cannot embrace nor
Appreciate illumination when it fills the entire being.

We lost our first ever hairless rat, Snacks, today. This is by far the saddest I have ever felt about losing a pet. No disrespect to my cat of 18 years growing up, but something about this rat…

I found him on an interesting day in Kaneohe. I went there because I had a dream that made me feel like I needed to go to Kaneohe. I had been putting off going to St. Ann’s Church, a place where I grew very angry with God, as a child, and it was time to make my peace.

Afterwards, I went to Windward Mall and stopped by Koolau Pets. Jessica and I had wanted a pet and it was hard to agree on what. She wanted a hairless cat (we’re both allergic to cats) and I wanted to get a dog, which she also wanted hairless.

I got Snacks as a surprise for Jessica because she also wanted a hairless rat, something that I never knew existed. She totally fell in love with him. I was slightly allergic to him at first but he totally grew on me.

He was the coolest pet ever. I have honestly often contemplated how I would like to have a pet rat for the rest of my life because of how much Snacks grew on me. They have relatively short life spans and I couldn’t fathom not having him around.

In addition to being so freaking amazing, Snacks had other roles that he played very well.

He was a father. We got our second rat, Naps, a fancy rat with hair, a few months after Snacks and together they created two litters of ratlings (actually called kittens for some reasons).

He was a fighter. He probably had the soul of a Jiu-Jitsu fighter because he submitted any and all of the young bucks who challenged him. He would just stiff arm or roll them over like it was no sweat.

He was enlightened. Snacks totally lived in the Now. He would cruise around, eat food, sleep, and urinate all over to mark his territory. He was truly identified with his purpose and lived his life fully.

We are going to miss you immensely Snacks. Thank you for coming into our lives and teaching us what you did. You are truly loved and will always be remembered.

“King” Snacks June 2009 – May 2010

Balance is pretty key. The more my life is out of balance, the more I sit within in my lower self, that part of me that is fear based and loses faith, in myself, and in turn in others.

If I maintain balance, I am aligned with my higher self, the part that is basically the soul, the part that is connected to God/the Source/the Divine Spark/the Universe.

It’s very hard work. But worth the effort and energy put towards it. At least it is in my opinion. Why? Well, drama just isn’t that fun unless it’s a movie or on TV and chaos isn’t my cup of tea either.

So each day is like a new match between my lower and higher self. In the past, it was like my first six-eight months as a white belt, the lower self beat out my higher self all the time. Now it’s reaching a place, kind of like where I’m at as a blue belt, while I still get caught, there is more consistency and learning the game of how to keep the balance.

A friend recently told me my Jiu-Jitsu game is like the tortoise, slowly and steadying improving. I definitely feel like the tortoise in this lower and higher self grappling match. Despite feeling behind at times, I just have to remember that the tortoise does win the race.

Redefining Spirituality
By: Jason M.A. Walter

(As written for and lol rejected by the LA Times Op-Ed section)

I dislike the word spirituality. Though I would consider myself a spiritual person, the term spirituality is too often blurred with religion and as a result, much of the value of incorporating spirituality in our lives can be lost.

Let us begin by first saying that religion should not be confused with spirituality. While the two could happily stroll through a park holding hands, spirituality is not limited to religion nor does being religious make one spiritual. A person with no affiliation to any religion can be very spiritual just as some religious figures seem to be devoid of spirituality (i.e. abusive clergy, extremists of any denominations, etc.).

It is my view that each person has a need to be filled on a deep intrinsic level. Many have already argued that the excessive materialism of our culture seems to be evidence of this lack of satisfying our inner needs. That is exactly why spirituality needs to be redefined. Traditional religions are just not cutting it for the masses and we have been driven to look outside (again see excessive materialism) to fill that which lies within.

The beauty of it all is that the answer is quite simple. Spirituality can be whatever we want it to be. Let’s use transportation as an example, albeit a very figurative one. Some people like to drive, catch a bus/subway, bike, or walk. Imagine you weren’t in a rush and it’s not about how fast you travel, but about how you get from Point A to Point B. I believe that the journey to fill this deeper spiritual need for each person is the same. Some people do this through meditation, prayer, going to church, and/or volunteering. Others are into tarot reading, surfing, hiking, whatever.

I would say it lies somewhere between doing what we are passionate about and striving to live in the moment. Over the course of the last three years (my Saturn Return for you Astrology types), I have strived to live a balanced life in this unbalanced time and by golly, it has worked. But first…

30 years ago on an island in the middle of the Pacific (Cue suspenseful/dramatic music).

I grew up believing that following your heart was important though societal norms indicated otherwise. As result, I was in deep conflict throughout my life because I was trying to fit in with what society told me. At 26, I found myself young, unhealthy, and miserable. It was not until I realized the shackles that were holding me back were invisible and of my own creation.

I began to incorporate healthier practices in my life. It can be a lengthy story but I’ll spare you the drama (though I know people love drama) and get to the part where I was empowered by my passion, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and how it all culminated in competing in the Pan-American Jiu-Jitsu Tournament, the second largest tournament in the world in California in April of this year.

Dot dot dot (the plot thickens)…

Leading up to the event, I trained very hard in the gym, and spent just as much time and energy outside visualizing to prepare myself for this leg of the adventure. I did everything that I could. Come tournament time, I truly did not feel nervous. If anything I felt more alive than ever. I felt this deep sense of gratitude for my life and all that I had been through and was on the verge of tears. I had finally experienced what it was to be in the Now, to go with the flow (or flow with the go as the Brazilians say).

They called my name and any lingering butterflies were eliminated as I was almost disqualified for a tear in my gi. I spent the next few minutes running around the Bren Event Center at UC-Irvine looking for my teammates. I finally found them and stripped bare-ass in the middle of competitors, spectators, coaches, Professors, etc. I ran back to face my destiny, got ready, went out there, and got smoked.

I fought hard, I did all that I could, and I lost. But that’s the thing. I didn’t lose. I won in so many ways it would take me longer than the Sunday1200 word limit that I have for this submission (ironically in Jiu-Jitsu one can lose via submission).

Let me sum it all up by stressing that following my passion helped me to grow exponentially as a person and allowed me to experience what being in the moment/truly being alive was. A whole bunch of awesomeness and I lost. I point out the loss because in our material, results-oriented culture, we sometimes forget that growth comes from facing the challenges in our lives and how we carry ourselves in the aftermath of adversity.

So right about now (assuming this even gets published) you are probably wondering how this made it to the LA Times or why or what the (expletive). I have always wanted to give to others and I share this experience because in some ways, California, you gave me this empowerment. In Hawaii, we have a saying called “talk stories” which is kind a cool way to say conversation. So here I am today just trying say thank you by talking stories with you. I know that following your heart will open up doors in weird ways and fill you inside. I surely didn’t have the Hollywood ending but I came out a winner in so many ways.

One could argue that the only absolutes are taxes and death. While you might be able to avoid the former, you surely cannot escape the latter. Wouldn’t you rather your story be about doing what you love and overcoming challenges versus living to work and letting fears guide you? Start to take the time to enjoy your life, you know, the movie that you star in.

Shoots and thank you Cali. Thank you so much.

Jason M.A. Walter, or JMAW, is a spirit sojourner in this human experience. He loves trying to understand life, himself, people in general, Jiu-Jitsu, giving tarot readings, and spending time with his JB. Oh yeah, he writes as well. You can find JMAW’s commentary, poetry, and thoughts at www.TheSimpleVoice.com.