As far as I have come, I have a very hard time at letting go and releasing from time to time.  The only difference these days is that I am willing to admit and accept that my healing still has a ways to go.

I can recall a time, clearly remember spaces, where I felt like achieving a certain degree of spiritual growth or to have moments of awakening and transcendence would be the key to be released from the trappings of my humanity.  It/They/From my experience, that is not the case…

Healing appears to be Life-Long because that Dear Friends, Fellow Sojourners on the Life’s Road is a grand part of being on the Spiritual Journey.   While I needed a space to vent recently to my Teacher, she recounted something that she had also learned.  The vent session was needed because she was able to tell me this:

“I just had a realization that I will be 75 years old this year.  I have never been 75 years old!”

I have never lived on February 9, 2013 before today nor have I ever written these words before.  I have had other days like this, there have been other times that I have shared this year of age that my Body is moving through, but with each passing moment and the new Truth that it brings, I am brought more and more into an awareness that is one to observe both Joy and Pain, and in the process of learning to let go and release ‘the stuff,’ as this Teacher labeled it as, I can better accept each moment as it is.

I had my World turned upside a few years ago and a large part of that was due to insecurity, which in turn kept me from being present.  I still have insecurity, the only difference this time is I am able to really look at it and explore it, take the healing to another level of consciousness because 1) I have too in order to be the best that I possible can be as a Human+Being and 2) It is coming back because I didn’t learn from it all the lessons it meant to teach.

As I really step back and look at what makes me most insecure, it is the unknown, it is the uncertainty.  While others play a role in it and I in their own insecurities, it is not about them or me but about the learning.  I don’t believe it is a lack of Faith, rather I feel it is an acceptance and embracing that my Truth and that Truth as it exists for others, as it is unfiltered and tempered by the moment.  This is also impacted by the Driver in each moment, be that the Ego or the Soul.  And whatever comes through, in each moment and time, is in fact right because of the learning it gives all involved.

“You chose this you know?”  I have been told maybe a thousand times by many teachers.  I am starting to believe what one of them said in that the same Voice on both sides of the Spiritual Fence that separates the Light and the Dark, is speaking through all of these different folks to me and I would speculate to others out there as well.  Why else would the same messages be coming through different messengers?

I feel the Truth in that last paragraph, so much so it sends chills, it tingles because as much as I choose to walk with Love and for God, the opposite is right there too, as a neighbor.

Perhaps I dine too much on adversity.  Or maybe the thoughts, the reflections are really worth something.  Sometimes I really feel good about it, other times I don’t.  But what I feel best about is the learning because through it all, I am still learning.

The day I stop will be the beginning of the end I imagine because if I cannot learn anything else, if there are no other things to work on within…

Hold up!  I’m not even talking about outside of me anymore, I am focusing on my Inner Work, on the only healing that will matter because it is the only one I can learn to take ownership of, even if the only remedy is to truly merge it All as the Observer.  If I cannot learn anything else, then what else is there to do in this Life?

Everything that I create and express comes from this Learning, which Truth be told is Inspired by Love.  So if I ever hit a place where there is no need to be Inspired because I am already wholly fulled, that I have to speculate might be it.

Now I am talking in a very macro, “what is the point/purpose, why am I here?” but it can be applied on much smaller levels.  If there are no more lessons to learn in a job, then for me, it’s done.  Maybe someone stuck in a situation at work that they dislike can apply that.  The same thing in relationships, where I live, so on and so forth, because…  I hate to say it but:

Just because.

I’ve encountered a challenge as of late and the only way I know to explore, express, and release is through the medium of Writing.  The Gift and the Curse…

I’ve been avoiding writing.  Admittedly.  No excuses.  I’ve just been avoiding it.  The draft for AUM Vol. 2 is in the books.  Yet I have not moved on editing it.  Where Fear once stood in my way in the past, this time, it’s a bit different.

I have even moved into Vol. 3, having drafted the opening to that collection.  I have received some reviews from friends and family, have even gotten an anonymous compliment on Amazon about it.  There is a time, a place, a demand if you will.  I have the supply.  Yet, I do not let it out.  It’s odd really because I have even been asked more and more to do Readings again, to give Counsel.  Whenever I explain that there has to be a donation, people vanish.

I am sick of people just coming to me when they need something.  We are lucky God does not grow sick of us because the World would be worse off because of it.  I would Love to just open up and give or at least I once thought I would.  Yet it gets thrown back in so many different ways.

I gives thanks that the Universe sees me fit to face adversity.  I laugh when teachers tell me it’s all just an experience.  But like 50 Tyson said, “I ain’t gonna lie,” I’m going to be honest and express that some of these experiences suck.  If I didn’t have Faith, I don’t know what I would do.

In the past, when I didn’t, I failed to see all the good in my Life, even as the bad happened, and I felt so trapped, weighed down by the weight of what worried me.  Yet today, things have changed.  I still feel the junk feelings when they arise, but I strive to learn.  If that process I have now is more beneficial, chee huu.  In all honesty, I just want to be fulfilled and happy, help as many folks as I can.  I don’t need money but I welcome it.  I don’t need to travel or fame or cars or whatever else [please insert here] because I have something greater in this Knowing and Faith that there is more than just me, my Ego, this small personality that exists within the vastness of the Universe.

Maybe that’s the answer.  Maybe not.  But in this exploration of Writing.  I feel better.  With that, I guess it’s on to editing…

Synchronicity- (n)

It’s as real as you want it to be…

“The Story is going to end.  The Curtain is going to fall.  When you realize the Curtain is going to fall, then what is the point… nothing stays, that’s it, but don’t commit suicide okay?”  ~ Sri Sri Ravi Shankar

This has more to do with Writing and Expression than it does with getting married.  I’m not opposed to marriage but I was once told I’d be married three times, which I found to be unnerving.  I would talk with a friend who would share that one could be married to a job so that got me thinking then as it does Now.

Recent events, in recent weeks, have led me to really remember and identify that it is time for me to take yet another step into the Unknown.  I do not feel weary so much as I feel like, okay, let’s go through this once more because it is that time again.  It is frustrating.  It is frustrating because who knows what I will find behind the next door?

I have more gratitude with each step of this Journey but it is a bit tiring.  Perhaps that is why I keep going through the steps that I do, so that one day I will not be tired in moving and just Flow as Life is taking me.

So while I am once more leaving something that has grown old for something new that I not yet know what entirely it is, do I feel excited?  Yes, slightly.  I am excited at the idea of a fresh start, of new movement as I welcome applying what I have learned in the year of asking for a bigger Intuitive and Mystical experience into my Life, further striving to marry the Mystical with the Mundane.  If the last few years and changes of my Life are any indication that change is always afoot and can be quite amazing, then why should I think otherwise?

Death was a huge guide that I discussed and is what I consider the big theme in AUM Vol. 1 Rebirth, for in order to be reborn, Death must occur.  So I look back to those lessons and as morbid as it may be to some, I accept that this will all end.  I need not rush it but I must bear that in mind if I am to Live in Truth and see that Thy Will Be Done, Not My Will.  In probably one of the most powerful examples spiritually that we have of someone taking a step and not necessarily wholeheartedly wanting it (My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?), Jesus gave his Life to take a step.  In non-religious examples, so have many others.  It could be argued that MLK Jr., JFK, and Che all gave their Lives in taking steps along the Path.  Even John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, and nameless others who though may not be known as widely, matter just as much to our Father who Art Thou..

So if that’s the case, what if the Death I find as I take more and more of these steps, is that of my Ego?  I have grappled extensively with the Ego, we go back and forth regularly for years.  The things I say today are at times quite different than what I sought to express in the past.

My Journey has shown me it’s not about the experiences themselves, but rather, getting in touch with how I feel as I go through them.  Just like I didn’t feel good about doing Readings in the way I did them in the past, I don’t feel so good doing what I’m doing now.  It’s no disrespect to the other people.  It has little to do with them.  I say that not to be selfish but in Truth, if I am not feeling aligned in the work that I do, than I will be impacting those around me.  Whether someone feels I am effective has no bearing on if I feel effective.  And at the end of the day, at the end of our Lives, we have to be able to look back and feel okay with what we did, how we did it, and what we gave.

So here goes, we’re about to take another step.  Take care, see ya real soon.  This chapter, well, that’s a wrap!

Life is some funny ‘tihs.’  Right when you think you got it figured out, you get hit with a curve ball that you never saw coming and it’s time to put down the bat, stopping swinging, and take a walk.

On many occasions in my Life when it was time to take such a step when hit by a curve, I fought vigorously and resisted, even though to walk, take my base, was quite natural.  Life really is a lot like Baseball, something I said age 10 or so to my cousin Keone.

Baseball, something about it.  I have had a hit or miss relationship with the game.  I never played beyond street pick-up games.  As a Youth, I played Basketball and ran track, for fun I played basketball, football, and threw around the ball occasionally.  I had an experienced once where my Dad threw the glove at me because I wanted to go inside and didn’t want to through the ball anymore.  I do not remember the dynamics that led up to it but he once shared a story about getting so angry with my mom he threw his keys at an old house at the counter.

I feel like the pattern of throwing something to release energy, was the only way he could process his emotions.  My Dad, my Brother, are both very beautiful Souls, and their lives have had great tragedy.  My Brother once made a comment that I lacked balls because I did not know how to change a belt in my car.  He was frustrated because I kept calling him for help.  He had offered and I was very lost at the time so I took up every opportunity.  The comment was his way of voicing frustration.

To be aware is not the easiest of tasks.  When it starts to grow and unfold, it is easier to maintain, but still it takes great work.  Every level of consciousness co-exists always. In the past, I have used the analogy that they are all there, gathered around a table, dining together.  Another metaphor is that they all ride in the car together, all speaking at once.  What do you tune out?  What do you listen to?

My Grandmother, Gran, who passed away recently, very often took myself, Keone, and his elder Sister, Cybil, to the University of Hawaii Baseball games during the season.  It was one of those things that we did.  People had made comments to me that I was Gran’s favorite because I really spent a great deal of time with her as a child, time that was not understood until now, how important, how special, how Loving, it really was.  My Grandmother was not perfect.  Her children are nursing their own wounds on different levels and in different ways and argue over the experience I imagine.  But she did provide in ways that were what was needed.

In my case, I was fortunate to talk with her about her Death and what she meant to me.  It’s party of what makes saying Good-bye both easy and hard.  It is easy because I was able to tell her all that I wanted.  It is hard because I am forever changed and realize how influential this figure was in our entire family.

“You know Jase, I felt bad for you, being the only child.”  She said being that I am my Mom’s only and my Dad’s youngest. “I just wanted you to have company.”  It was with Gran that I realized the importance of shared experiences and in many ways giving to others.  Again, though she was not perfect, she really gave greatly of her Life to her family, her Church and community. She also gave so much in terms of what was needed.

“When we kids, we had the necessities…” My Uncle mentioned after her Death.  That generation, the generation of my Grandparents, just like the generation of my parents, my generation, and those to come, I truly believe that all of us, as a collective, do the best that we can do with what we are given.

Our World is in an interesting place.  As much as I believe in Love and living from there.  Have seen how Love allows me to understand that experiences I had with my Dad, my Brother, were merely the Universe giving me what I needed in experience to grow, frees me to forgive and to allow the Loving part of me, who I shut down, to breathe.  I need not perpetuate comments to myself, nor do I have to throw emotions at me.  Life has it all set up.

I need only pay attention.  That right there is the key to Living, Being, Breathing, Healing, all because of Love.

Words.  Words have helped, heal, and at times haunted me throughout my Life.  My gave me many words and as I write these words, as I hear the bells ringing to tell me to take my base, class has ended, and that marriage is on the horizon in my Life, I can only look back in honor.  Because again, like Life hitting me with its curves, Gran was giving me all that I needed each time.

“Thanks, Honey.”  She said the day we had our big talk about going on to whatever is next..  I will never hear that Voice again beyond what I hear in my Heart.  I will never see that smile beyond the image of pictures on this plane and burned within but I will always remember.

I will never be able to put in words in a fashion that does justice what I learned from this woman.  So I will keep talking Baseball.  How it is a slow game, much like Life, how it has two sides to each inning, has its own ebb and flow, the action sometimes rapid, other times dwindling.  There are different characters, different approaches, it requires teamwork.  Though some roles are in theory more important, in essence, each position plays an integral part of the game, kind of how in Life, if you really watch, you can see that all of it matters.

Though their generational values were different, the generation of my Grandparents, reminded me that Love was both real and could be Lifelong.  It all came down to what we choose.  When both of my Grandfathers passed, I saw how much the women who stood by them Loved them.  I felt it and it confirmed that I myself, despite my trips and falls, always wanted that, to share my Life, not only with myself, but with God through Sacred Love with another Human+Being.

Perhaps that is the greatest lesson I shall carry away for as I recalled earlier, my Grandfather went and took care of all of his business, left my Grandma little notes, because he knew it was his time.  These were not perfect people.  But they had Great Love.  I don’t know why or how but somehow the generation of my parents and my peers, have at times got too caught up in the other things.  It is not their faults.  They just didn’t know how.  Didn’t know a way.  Have not yet realized that there is a Path, a Purpose to each of our Lives, we need only have Faith.

I don’t know if I have any wishes that merit a piece written about them but I do have alot to be thankful for this Holiday season so I will jot those down.

New Love

New Love has entered my Life after a Wintery period of my Life.  It is nice to experience the butterflies of Spring in my experience and this is definitely one of the top of the world kind of feelings so it leads off my list.

Writing

Writing has finally evolved into something crazy and cool.  I have done it forever but to actually have published despite the challenges it took to do so, means something beyond words.  Super grateful for this.

Health

This is the healthiest and feeling best overall that I have been in my Life.  My body’s aches and pains are not excessive and I really like being in my skin.  That in and of itself is a valuable gift to me!

Hawaii

Always have, always will be grateful for this.  I feel a connection that words can not really sum up to this land that I was born in.  Years ago, being told the Spirit of the Hawaiian Islands had a calling for me scared and excited me both, but today, calling or not, I just love my Home.  Thx Hawaii.  In the vein of Ron Burgundy: Stay Classy!

Transformation

My Life has changed so much in the last few years.  I am so grateful for the transformation that has occurred and for the reminder at how resilient we can be as Human+Beings.  It certainly has not always been easy but this has definitely been a truly rewarding period in my Life.

Mahalo ke Akua and much thanks to all the people who have walked in and out of my Life.

What if we could change the World?  You know, make it all good and ‘tihs.’  Create a healthier future. Why is it that the idea seems probable for some and impossible for others?  Questions that cannot be answered simply, merely Lived in order to experience.

It’s not hard because it is easy.  As I look at my Life, as transformed as it is, as blessed as it is, at how much I believe in something Greater, a Higher Power in Love, here I am, just a man, and I struggle.  Oh, how I struggle.

#Believe

I have seen ‘hashtag believe’ and heard it over and over again in recent memory.  I want to, I’m trying, but I know how hard Faith is.  I don’t mean to be hypocritical, I just realize the duality is apparent, even if it is just an illusion.

I want to believe.  I was born to believe, if anything, if only in Love, than that is surely enough.  It is what I have wanted to believe to be so for so long.  But it is hard for me.  It is hard because I have been down similar roads, I tell myself, I have seen similar things.

But what if I saw similar things not because it was to read the writing on the wall but to prepare me for the road ahead because the road ahead would be weathered at times in just the same way?

I feel like in the exploration of my experience, my writing has not led me to any more answers.  The answers were always there and the simplest of these is that it is all Love.  Perhaps I just need to understand the questions I am asking?  Maybe these questions are here to help me in some way?

I’m struggling right now.  But even though I’m struggling, as great as the newfound happiness and fulfillment in my Life is, I am tripping, falling, pushing back up.  Sometimes I do not stand up quickly.  Othertimes I bounce right back.  But what if the point is to realize that as I go through all of that, there really are two sets of footprints with me?

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
“LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you’d walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.”

The LORD replied:
“My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.”

For some reason, as odd as it may seem, as unlikely as it may be, honestly, God is the only answer that gives me peace.  My questions are not directed to the Most High, they are directed in a way that I may understand what it is that I am meant to see.  And right there, even now, all along, here You are God, right there with me.

When I walked the road in the past, when I look at such similarity, I didn’t look to you, Lord, I couldn’t let things be.  I couldn’t accept hurt, I couldn’t allow what was to be.  And now I can, because even though things may repeat, I truly know, that there You are, right within me.

I wish there was some way that I could share and explain this to others.  I wish these words could convey the relief that I feel in releasing them.  Because as I repeat things, not because of somebody but because it is all a part of what I was meant to receive in the Gift that is this Life, it helps me to remind, that the Journey is taking me Home every step and feeling the greatness of Love throughout my +Being, that I as a man struggle through despite my sincerity about all of this.

“Just Love, it is only Love, you know?” ~Adya